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When The Holidays Are Bittersweet

12/2/2017

4 Comments

 
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Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. As a child, I have fond memories of going with my parents and younger brother to the Christmas tree farm. We would brave the cold and snow in search of the “perfect” Christmas tree. Once we got the tree back to our house, we would turn on Christmas music and decorate the tree as a family. I always looked forward to the Christmas season, and I loved putting up the Christmas tree.
 
Now, putting up the Christmas tree is bittersweet. While I still love the Christmas season, the holidays are very different. I no longer live at home with my parents, and my closest family members are hundreds of miles away. I’ve always envisioned myself being married with kids, but that hasn’t happened yet. So, instead of cutting down a real tree and decorating it with family, I find myself putting up an artificial pre-lit tree and decorating it by myself.
 
It would be easier to skip putting up a Christmas tree, but each year I choose to continue to do it because my Christmas tree is full of memories. Some ornaments were given to me by friends or students, but most of the ornaments are the same ones that hung on our family Christmas tree when I was a child. They remind me of Christmases full of excitement, happiness, and fun. This part is also bittersweet, because now Christmas (and all holidays) are a mixture of joy and grief.  
 
The first time I remember grief slipping into the holidays is when my mom was initially diagnosed with breast cancer. With each holiday, I remember thinking, “Will this be our last one together?” Presents became less important to me, as I started to focus more on being present with the people around me. All I wanted was more time with those I loved.
 
Nine years after her diagnosis, my family and I experienced our first Christmas without my mom. Grief didn’t just slip in that Christmas, it seemed heavy, like a thick blanket of snow. But, just as the Christmas lights glimmered in the night, moments of joy pierced through the darkness. Sometimes you just need a little bit of light to give you hope.
 
Today, I don’t feel weighed down by grief, but it still lingers. And I’ve learned that’s ok. In order to grieve, you first have to experience love, and I’m thankful to have had a mom who showed me love.  

As I look upon my decorated Christmas tree, memories fill my mind. The memories may be bittersweet, but at least I still have the memories.

My eyes always gravitate towards the top of my tree, though. There, underneath the angel, are ornaments that remind me of my mom. Even though it’s hard not having her here, I know she’s with the angels, celebrating the birth of our Savior in heaven, while I celebrate His birth here on earth. Some day we will once again celebrate together. Thinking about that always brings me joy. 
4 Comments
Diane Z
12/4/2017 08:30:59 am

Beautiful post, Julie. I resonate with so much of it. AND why is it that the ornaments that remind us so dearly of someone who has passed (for me, it is my dad) are placed at the top of the tree right under the angel? I know you know the answer, but I found it interesting that I do the exact same thing.

Keep writing! I love your posts and I believe they keep getting better and better. Merry Christmas and I look forward to the day when we will spend Christmas in heaven with those we love and miss so dearly and with our newborn King, who came to save us all! Merry Christmas.

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Julie
12/4/2017 10:35:50 pm

Thanks for your encouragement, Diane, and for sharing about the ornaments that remind you of your Dad. It's amazing how comforting it is to see an angel ornament next to an ornament of a loved one who has passed away.

Not only do these ornaments help us remember our loved ones, but I've found by placing them on a tree, it helps others know it's ok to ask about them or share their own favorite memories.

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Katie Berg
12/9/2018 09:37:48 pm

Loved this, Julie. We always had to agree on a date so we would be home together. Such fun! Shake the garland, icicles just right.Mom was the master and we held to her standards. So very thankful for memeories. Thank you, God.

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Julie
12/9/2018 09:51:16 pm

Katie, I love that you have so many fond memories decorating your tree. I'm guessing you still try to keep your tree up to your mom's standards?

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