I’m always looking for new books to read, and I recently came across a book by Jenny Simmons called The Road to Becoming: Rediscovering Your Life in the Not-How-I-Planned It Moments. Jenny was the lead singer of the Christian pop/rock band Addison Road. Even though their band had their final performance in 2012, I still love their music. Their song, “Hope Now” continues to be one of my favorite songs. Jenny’s book was actually part of a package deal – I would receive an autograph copy of the book, Jenny’s solo album, and a handwritten note from her. I was planning on buying the book anyways, so this was an easy decision. Sold! I must admit, I was expecting the handwritten note to simply read, “Thank you” or maybe, “Thank you. I hope you enjoy the book and CD.” I mean, what author/singer has time to write personalized notes of encouragement to her fans? So, imagine my surprise when I opened my package and saw the above note. Jenny also included my name when she autographed the inside cover of the book. I was impressed by these personal touches, and it reminded me that God knows us by name and cares about all the little details. In The Road to Becoming, Jenny Simmons shares personal stories from seasons of her life that she refers to as: The Dreaming and Destruction, The Burying, The Lostness, The Waiting, and The Becoming. “The death of a dream, plan, or person we love dearly is not the end of the story. It is, however, the starting point on our road to becoming. That place where eventually, somehow, someway new life is birthed.” Jenny Simmons Jenny talks about the importance of acknowledging and grieving the losses in our lives, but also shares how God can bring something good out of something we might never expect. You'll have to read the book to learn how God did this in Jenny's life. While my life experiences are very different from Jenny’s (I have never traveled the country on a tour bus, performed for thousands, or had a song on the radio), I could relate to the fact that my life now is very different than how I imagined it to be years ago. Growing up, I envisioned a life full of happiness. I dreamed of getting married, having a house full of kids and pets, living close to my family, and becoming a teacher. What does my life actually look like? While I have experienced lots of happiness, I’ve also experienced quite a bit of heartache. I’ve never been married, I don’t have any kids, I’m allergic to cats and dogs, I had to drastically change my diet when I discovered I have a gluten sensitivity, and I live hundreds of miles away from my family. The only thing that worked out as I had planned is that I’m a teacher. When life doesn’t go as planned, I remember these verses: Isaiah 55:9 - “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Jeremiah 29:11 – “ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” How has God brought something good out of my unplanned moments? He took my heartache and used it to give me a passion to help those who have experienced abuse and motherloss. Being single has allowed me more time to volunteer and serve in various areas. Going gluten-free helped me gain back my health. While I live far away from my biological family, God has blessed me with amazing friends from work and church who have become like another family to me. If my life would have gone as I had initially planned, I would have missed out on all of these things. We won’t always understand God’s ways and that’s ok. It’s in those unplanned moments of life that we often learn how to trust God the most. We may be caught off guard by what’s happening, but nothing catches God by surprise. He can use those unexpected moments to help prepare us for a future He has lovingly planned out for us. Is your life different than how you imagined it would be? What might God want to do through your unplanned moments?
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When you left this world You took a part of me But now you’re home Now you’re free And I’m learning how To get by Without you by my side I think of you Every single day Your absence has left me Forever changed I feel incomplete I must confide Without you by my side Holding on to memories Making new ones without you Reminds me that time is a gift Love should motivate all we do Look for blessings in the moments That so quickly pass us by I miss you by my side Even when my heart feels broken It still has love for you God has given me peace And strength to continue The promise of eternity Brings hope to my life One day we’ll be reunited and you’ll be by my side Until then I live in the space between Trusting God to carry me On this journey Filled with love and memories The longer we’re apart The more I realize What a blessing it was to have you by my side I wrote this to my mom, who passed away after a 9 year battle with breast cancer. To read more about my journey of mother loss, click here. I’ve always had a hard time remembering dates. Whether it’s dates of famous historical events or even others’ birthdays, if it’s not written down on my calendar or if I don’t get a reminder/notification, I’m likely to forget it. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just my brain has always been better with words than numbers. There’s one date, though, that I’ll never forget. On March 23, 2009, my life forever changed with a single phone call. After a 9-year battle with breast cancer, my mom entered into the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. (To read my full story of mother loss, click here.) While I was thankful my mom was no longer suffering, for the first time in my life I learned what it meant to be truly heartbroken. I literally felt like a piece of me was missing. I wondered how I would live without her. She was not only a wonderful mom, but she was my friend and encourager. Other loved ones had passed away before, but this felt completely different. Here I was, at the age of 26, and my world was shattered. I had prayed for 9 years that God would heal my mom, and He chose to heal her in heaven rather than on Earth. I knew Romans 8:28 - “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,” but I was questioning how God could bring something good out of this. Fast forward to the present. I can now see how God brought something good out of something so painful. Watching my mom endure so much through her battle with cancer has made me more empathetic. Losing her gave me a desire to help others who have experienced loss and are hurting. Through loss, I gained a new passion and the purpose for my life became clearer. This revelation, along with incredible healing, came while taking a class through the Motherless Daughters Ministry. It’s a ministry that I am still involved with today as a volunteer. It brings me great joy to be able to support/encourage others on their healing journey. When God places a desire in your heart, trust that He will provide you with opportunities to fulfill that desire. Seven years later, my world no longer feels shattered, but it still feels different than before my mom passed away, and it will always feel different. It should. When someone’s absence impacts you just as much as their presence, that’s when you know he/she made a difference in your life. My mom made a lasting positive impact on my life, and I’m so thankful for that. I think about my mom everyday. I miss my mom everyday, and I always will. To grieve deeply means you have loved deeply. What do I miss most about my mom? It’s all the little things that I used to take for granted. I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to her. I miss getting cards/letters from her in the mail. I miss sharing teaching stories. I miss running errands with her. I miss seeing her at the dinner table. I miss laughing with her. I miss listening to music and watching TV together. I miss her encouragement. I miss hearing her voice. I miss just being in her presence. But when I start to miss her, I cling to the memories that remain - memories that remind me how blessed I am to have had her as my mom. I remember her smile. I remember her strength. I remember her strong faith. I remember that she loved teaching, reading, traveling, knitting, and singing in the church choir. I remember the smell of her favorite perfume and that her favorite color was red. I remember how she would journal every night. I remember how we would laugh while watching the opening monologue on the Tonight Show. I remember how much she loved a clean and organized house. I remember her love of Peanuts comic strips. I remember the peace she had during her final days, because she knew heaven was her eternal home and we would see each other again. I remember she told me, “This is not the end, but it’s only the beginning.” I remember the last words she spoke to me were, “I love you.” But most importantly, I remember that she always made me feel loved. And that is something I’ll never forget.
“Looking back, it is evident that God’s love is written across the pages of my life, but it didn’t always seem like that…”
I grew up in a Christian home and had amazing parents who loved God and showed me unconditional love and support. I went to church, Sunday School, and youth group every week. I knew all about God from an early age. I read the Bible. I sang hymns and listened to Christian music. I even memorized scriptures. You would think that my relationship with God was always strong. You would think that it has been easy for me to trust Him. You would be wrong. The truth is, while it appeared on the outside that I had the “perfect” Christian life, on the inside I was constantly questioning God. I lived most of my life being weighed down by shame and guilt and pretending that everything was “ok.” I lived most of my life doubting God’s goodness. I lived most of my life overachieving and chasing perfectionism, because it distracted me from dealing with reality. I learned at an early age that betrayal takes seconds, but the effects can last a lifetime. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and it was a secret that I kept for most of my life. When a close friend shared her story with me, it gave me the courage to break the silence and share mine for the first time. It was then that I learned the power of our stories - the power of realizing that we’re not alone in our brokenness. Breaking the silence was the first step of my healing journey, and it’s a journey that I am still on. The abuse caused me to question my faith more than anything else in my life. For so long, I couldn’t understand how a loving God could allow someone to experience abuse. If He truly loved me, why didn’t He protect me? I knew in the Bible it said that God would never leave us or forsake us, but I felt abandoned by Him. Where was He when I needed Him most? Not only did the abuse make it hard for me to trust God, but I had a hard time trusting others. I also struggled for a season with self-injury. I was using pain to cope with pain, and just like the abuse, I hid it from those around me. I didn’t want to be a burden or cause anyone sadness, so I thought by keeping my struggles to myself I was protecting others. Pain tells us to stay silent. Eventually, God gave me the courage to speak. He helped me bring into the light everything I had been hiding, and that is when the healing began. Through support groups and counseling, God revealed many things to me. I learned that His heart breaks when we experience pain, but the fact is we live in a fallen world where people have free-will. Where was God when I was being abused? He was in the room with me, and His heart was breaking. He did protect me, but in a different way than I initially thought. He protected my heart. Despite the abuse, He has allowed me to give and receive love. He created me with a desire to help others, and that desire still remains. In fact, it’s stronger than ever now. God gave me resilience, strength, and hope. Life definitely still has its challenges. The abuse I experienced as a child forever changed me, but so has God’s love. Through all my years of questioning, anger, and doubt, God remained. He didn’t just stay. He pursued me. He placed others along my path to reveal truth and love when I needed it most. I lost my innocence, but I found that the one thing I could never lose is God’s love. The pages of my story which initially caused me to question God the most are now the exact pages He wants me to share. Why? Because God doesn’t want us to deal with pain alone. He has placed specific people in our lives for a reason. When we honestly share our stories, we begin to see all the connections, and we can better support and encourage one another. I initially shared my secret because someone else had the courage to share theirs. Chances are, someone in your close circle of friends or family has experienced some type of abuse. Maybe you have. Maybe you’re struggling with something else. Pain will tell you to stay silent. Hope and healing are possible. Break the silence. Share your story. It may help someone else. |
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